Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
