Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm like, not good at living.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
