Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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