You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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