I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
