you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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