hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
