even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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