It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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