I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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