after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
