so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
