My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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