if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
