i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize