we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
