so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
