I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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