My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Found the puke drawer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
