Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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