My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We need to get me chipped asap
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
