THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
