Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
