Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
