Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
