My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
