The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
