Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
