When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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