Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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