I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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