but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize