My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
