I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
