Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
