She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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