I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
