What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize