I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
