Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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