Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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