Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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