I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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