You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
