I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
And then he peed in my hair
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