The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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