I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
