you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
