He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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