Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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