I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I touched a dick in church today
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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