just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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