the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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