I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
