I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
