don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Boobs are out for the taking
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
