when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
