Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
