i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
