I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
